As the cold wind blows my love keeps me warm {Open}

As tongue touched ear Sageflight felt a slight shiver run haphazardly along her spine. Her back curved towards the white spotted sky at the strange feeling while the tip of her slender tail twitched once before stilling. A small self-conscious smile flitted across her maw. If she was being entirely honest with herself she really liked the other’s attentions, but fear for her duties and the past made the feline hesitant to let her emotions take control. It was just too much of a threat, and Sageflight wasn’t known for taking risks.

The other’s softly spoken mew crashed into her train of thoughts. Yes, if she was being entirely honest the deputy did indeed know what they needed to talk about, but she wasn’t anywhere near ready to even admit it to herself. Sheepishly her yellow gaze fell upon her paws. “The dawn patrol? I was thinking that maybe you and Starlingpaw would enjoy romping about the borders, so perhaps you could lead that one.” The patched feline knew she was not saying at all what her leader wanted to hear, but she had been avoiding the issue for so long that it had become habit.

“And I should stay in camp while you are out, but as soon as you return perhaps I could lead a hunting patrol towards the thunderpath. “ As she spoke her words began to slow, losing their forced bland tone to adopt a more guilty cover. She hated lying. Certainly what she was doing was far from not telling the truth, but Sageflight knew that avoidance was a similar concept. A heavily sigh left her maw.

Gingerly the grey cat wove her tail over her tiny feet. When it was in place she used her right paw to gently tuck it in closer before pushing it away. Closer. Away. “I, I don’t think you want to hear what I have to say.” Sageflight’s voice was strangled, and each syllable felt like a heavy stone was being placed into her belly. She had avoided Eaglestar’s attentions once before, and then she had avoided her own feelings on the matter. Perhaps it was finally time to come clean.

Agitation seeped from the brown cat’s form, apparent in her bristling fur and burning golden eyes. The heat of Eagelstar’s anger was intense and sudden, and it caught the patched deputy off-guard. Fear momentarily flooded her system and with the speed of a hare she hopped to all fours and took an unsteady step back. Unintentionally her grey fur fluffed up in defense. Shame heated her ears and they fell upon her skull as if to hide away her embarrassment.

Sageflight was a sensitive cat, always anxious of overreaching her duties or upsetting her friend, whose opinion she valued most. The other’s anger was called for, but non-the-less she took it personally. More than ever she wanted to let loose and race far across the open moors where she could hide away from her troubles. But, as Eaglestar confronted her about her recent behavior Sageflight only flinched and looked away.

Her following breath was strained as she attempted to calm herself. None the less she felt hurried for a slow response would only appear like she was intending to avoid the conversation even more. “I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.” The feline’s mew was soft, and her voice broke more than once. “I was surprised by your feelings, and afraid of ruining our relationship and the clan with it if any future romance was to turn sour. The clan matters more than either of our emotions. We serve the clan first above all else.” Sageflight’s voice trailed off, her thoughts churning as she remembered the first time Eaglestar had brought her desire out in the open.

Slowly, she shook her head side to side before giving a fleeting side glance towards the brown cat. She couldn’t bear to see the other’s reaction as the truth was admitted. “It wasn’t until recently that I, that my feelings ran ahead of my logic. You are so full of life, and watching you knowing that someone might swoop in at any moment and steal your heart… It made me jealous. It made me want to snuggle up by your side and chase the prospecting others away. I don’t want to lose you.”

As the words finally left her maw the feeling of freedom she had been expecting never came. Instead, the clan seemed to weigh her down and press her slim body into the earth. With a heavy heart she added “but the clan comes first, Eaglestar. I can’t let myself love you. If anything went wrong it would tear us all apart.”

Eaglestar’s unforgiving words assaulted the dappled grey cat more painfully then the worst of battle wounds. Her tongue grew heavy, as if laden with the torrent of unsaid words that turned around and around within her mind. Most prominently, though, she grew afraid.

Frozen in panic, in an inability to speak her mind and be heard, she only managed to flinch as the other spoke. Of course she hadn’t meant that Eaglestar was a cold beast that would be led by her emotions alone. She had always envied the other’s ability to balance her energy and mind. Once, she’d even confided in the fluffy brown cat of how jealous she was of her ability to simply not be afraid. No. It was not Eaglestar’s control that Sageflight had been questioning, it was her own.

But the short tailed cat seemed too far gone now, and her look of aversion sent shivers down Sageflight’s spine. I mean nothing to her. That’s it, that explains everything. After telling me so many moons ago that she had feelings for me, she’s learned I’m nothing more than a self-doubting rabbit-brain. The deputy felt that she had to explain the other’s seemingly uncaring actions, had to make sense of her old friend’s desire to just leave it at that instead of talking it through. And try as she may, she could never blame the feline she felt so fondly for. It’s all my fault, I’ve ruined everything now.

Her head hung loosely upon sagging slender shoulders, eyes closed as she fought back the pain. She couldn’t do this. If they couldn’t work out their own problems, how could they even try to work together to help the clan? Eaglestar had said she wouldn’t let her emotions get in the way of things, but by walking away she had made an unspoken promise to do just that. They would not be able to even look at each other the next day, much less work together flawlessly in an emergency.

A shakily drawn breath was the soft announcement that Sageflight intended to speak before Eaglestar could part. Whether the older cat heeded that or not, though, was an entirely different matter. But the deputy would try to make things right. She had made a vow before the whole of WindClan to do whatever would be best for the clan, and she would keep it.

“Eaglestar?” Her voice trembled, weak and insignificant in comparison to the mighty wind of the moors. “I resign. I can’t be the cat you need by your side, in all the ways that matter.”